The thought and feeling that our loved one is going to die is never a consoling fact. Hence, anticipating grief is not an easy thing to do for everyone else involved. Anticipating grief is the period during which a family member or a patient is expected to die. This sorrow is somewhat the same to the after-effects of losing someone you love. The emotions felt are the same feeling of loss and it just hurts as bad. It is no less different than when one has gone through a sudden or tragic death of a loved one. It comes with some of the similar emotions of shock, denial and guilt and is related with social and cultural reactions regarding the loss.
And because some people are still in a state of denial they may not go through anticipatory grief. Their grief will happen after the loss of their beloved. The grief experienced before the demise doesn’t shorten the grief after the demise. It’s still the same sorrowful grieving process and it does not make any better way to endure. The only distinction between anticipating grief and coping with a sudden loss is that it gives the entire clan some time to talk and spend the remaining time with the person as well as accepting and coming to terms in the reality of their demise.
There is still time left to talk about things that were kept as secrets. There is still time left to make any amends to the existing relationships. There is still time left to finally forgive any faults or mistakes in the past. And there is till time left to hear and carry out the last dying wishes of a parting loved one. This grief in anticipating the demise of someone we love builds a great concern for the dying person, painful and sorrowful preparation of the departure of the loved one, and making the necessary adjustments in living without our dearest beloved.
When somebody dies suddenly and so tragically, the pain that goes with it could be more overwhelming than that of anticipatory grief because of the shock and trauma. There is not even a warning signal or no more time left to reminisce the past with the person. This puts the bereaved in a corner to confront the unexpected which could minimize the coping capacities of that person and make normalcy seem so far away. The impact of that great loss might be hard to imagine and may not be realized right away. Thus, acceptance seems barely discernible. Learning to accept the possibility of the passing of a loved one would leave you feeling that you are slowly abandoning that person.
Expecting the death might only build more emotional attachment to the dying person even stronger which doesn’t make it any way easier to accept the future. The dying person on the other hand also undergoes pain for leaving everyone and makes it more painful and unbearable for everybody involved. No matter how our loved one dies, it all depends on each person and how much they cope with grief in their lives.
The author of this article Amy Twain is a Self Improvement Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years. Amy just published a new home study course on how to boost your Self Esteem overnight. More info about this “Quick-Action Plan for A More Confident You” is available at http://www.FabulousSelfEsteem.com.
Article Source: The Truth About Anticipating Grief
Grief and bereavement are horrible but natural parts of life. It’s inevitable that someone you know and love will die someday, and grief is a normal part of recovering from such a loss. Grief isn’t easy; it is painful, debilitating, and can leave you feeling empty and alone. The best thing you can do is find constructive, positive ways to deal with your grief before it cripples you or causes long-term harm to your mental and physical health.
Grief is a term used to describe any number of negative psychological states that occur after the death of a friend or family member. Depression, sorrow, apathy and lethargy are very common consequences of grief. Recognizing your grief is the first step in coping with it and moving on. Ignoring grief is a dangerous and temporary fix, and can do major harm in the long run.
Grief is separated into five common “stages of grief”; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Developed in 1969 by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief act as your guide to grief, cluing you in as to what emotions you should expect after the death of a loved one. They by no means apply to everyone — grief affects different people in different ways — but knowing what emotions are common amongst the bereaved will help you through your grieving process.
There are a number of ways to cope with grief in a healthy, positive way. Some people seek out spiritual guidance from pastor, rabbi, or other religious leader. Some people prefer the more structured support of a psychologist or support group. Others might briefly seek out isolation as a time to reflect on the memory of their loved one. Whatever path you choose in dealing with your grief, remember; as long as you are not doing yourself or anyone else harm, there is no wrong method. Pick what works best for you and surround yourself with people that support your grieving process.
One of the most popular forms of coping with grief is to find a support group or enter counseling. Surrounding yourself with supportive people, especially ones that have been through or are currently going through the same thing you are going through will help lift your spirits when you’re feeling low and sustain them when you’re feeling good. Support can come in many forms; religious congregations, family members, friends, discussion groups, or counseling. It can be as simple as having someone to take a walk with or a friendly chat with a coworker. Whatever form your support system takes, make sure it is consistent and positive.
Another great way to cope with grief is to stay busy. Find a creative outlet and let yourself get lost in it. Arts and crafts, home improvement projects, and keeping a journal are all great ways to keep your mind focused and yourself productive. You can even combine your creativity with the memory of your loved one by starting a memorial journal or scrapbook. These are great ways to honor the deceased and deal with grief.
Make sure you exercise and maintain a healthy diet during your grieving process. Many people fall into unhealthy patterns that keep them from progressing past their grief and ultimately cause them long-term health problems.
Grief is difficult, yes, but it is not impossible to deal with. By surrounding yourself with a positive support system, making healthy lifestyle choices, and keeping busy, you will find that your grief will soon fade and you’ll be left with the wonderful memory of a life you are glad you were a part of.
~Ben Nystrom, 2009
Share Your Memories: Find helpful grief support and online memorial information at Virtual Memorial.
Article Source: Healing Grief: Finding Help After Loss
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to any major loss. Loss is a part of living and a great many of us are facing losses due to health and financial issues, deaths of family and friends, and painful relationship breakups, whether personal or in business.
We talk about the loss, but not many people want to hear what we’re really feeling. Grief, the emotions that result from loss, is one of the most off-limits topics of conversation. Yet loss is a part of living.
Unresolved grief from the death of a loved one, a painful breakup, loss of trust, loss of health, loss of a job, or any major loss can leave us depleted, depressed, and passionless.
Society, our family, and friends give us messages like don’t feel bad, replace the loss, keep busy, and with time you’ll feel better. But, these comments don’t help—they don’t get to the “heart” of the matter, and they aren’t true statements or solutions for someone who’s grieving. In fact, sometimes they downright hurt us more.
The truth is when we’re dealing with loss, either recent or long ago, we have a broken heart, not a broken head. We need to say what we’re feeling, and communicate the conflicted thoughts and emotions we might be harboring. We need someone who will really listen, not give us advice, not judge or try to make us feel better. The first step to healing a broken heart is to express our feelings.
So, what is the silent healer and the first step to recovering from life-altering loss?
Hints:
• It takes no particular expertise, although with awareness and practice you can get really good at it.
• It’s not hard to do, except when you’re thinking about something else (which is most of the time!).
• We love it when someone gives it to us.
• I mentioned it in an earlier paragraph.
It’s listening. Listening—the gift we give to each other; listening—the healing power within each of us. It’s a natural part of our everyday communications. And the more we use it, become aware of it, and perfect it, the more power it has to make a difference in our life and work.
When we listen with a blank mind, no agenda, just focused listening, we can hear all of what a person is saying. We experience the message that goes beyond the words. We hear the feelings beneath what is spoken. When we have no other purpose than to truly understand, the truth can show up.
Listening without thinking, eliminates our judgmental thoughts. If the person speaking understands that the listener is not judging them, they feel safe to tell the truth. Try it out. Think of a person in your life that you can tell almost anything to. Isn’t part of the reason you feel that way because you don’t feel judged by them?
For those of us who want to help ourselves and others going through tough times, telling the truth about what we’re feeling to someone who knows how to listen, and listening to others’ expressions of truth about what they’re feeling, is the silent healer for ourselves and others—the secret first step to recovery. It is something we all can give to others and ask others to give to us.
Eileen Joyce is a certified coach and grief recovery specialist with a thirty five-
year background that includes business ownership, marketing, coaching, and
grief recovery. Eileen helps bridge the gap between grief and loss, and joy-filled living. www.eileenjoyce.com, ej@eileenjoyce.com
Article Source: THE SILENT HEALER…and first step to recovering from any life-altering losses
I’ve never really been a summer person but since 1994, the dog days of summer have really become my season of sadness. My first husband died on August 19 of that year. Ever since, the weeks surrounding that date have been difficult for me.
Most people mark their year with anniversaries – the celebration of birthdays, holidays, and days significant to us for one reason or another. After a loss, those anniversaries can be quite painful. I, personally, have found the days and weeks leading up to each anniversary date to be harder than the day itself. I call this anticipatory grieving.
The dictionary defines grief as, “keen mental suffering, distress over affliction or loss, and sharp sadness.” We often associate grieving with the death of a loved one but we can grieve any time we suffer a loss. We can grieve over the loss of a job, a relationship, or our health. We can grieve when we move from a home, have financial difficulties, or do not realize a dream. We can grieve alone, as a family or community.
While we share the experience of grieving with every other person on this planet, the way we grieve is unique to each of us. Some describe the act of grieving in different stages. Yet grieving is not a linear experience but a process that weaves through the fabric of our life. While the intensity of our grief can ebb and flow, there are no time boundaries to our grief. Even if our loss occurred years ago, we can experience grief at any time. Sometimes our grief surprises us as if it is saying, “Hey, I’m not done with you yet!”
I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my grief. Grief is good; it just hurts so badly. Because I had experienced many losses prior my husband’s death, I was familiar with grieving and healthy ways to do it. In the days, weeks, and months after Max’s death I even welcomed those times of intense sadness and pain because in some way they made me feel closer to him. But, when my heart began aching, my natural inclination was to run away from the feelings rather than let them wash over me. I have to constantly remind myself to just “be” in my grief.
I have found the following strategies helpful during my seasons of sadness. I hope you will find them helpful in yours.
Embrace Your Grief
We all have built defense mechanisms to help us deal with pain. This is not the time to use them though. As a wave of grief begins to pass over you, let it flow. Acknowledge that you have good reason to feel this way and the more you let yourself experience grief, the less it will stick around. While the wave may last for minutes, hours, or even days it will eventually play itself out and you will feel peace again. My dad’s favorite expression was “this too shall pass.” He used it throughout his life but especially during the pain at the end of it. Your grief too shall pass. Embrace it until it does.
Experience Your Uniqueness
Each of us experiences grief in our own way. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t let others tell you how to grieve. Our loved ones don’t like to see us suffer. In order to avoid this, they often encourage us, in not so subtle ways, to hide our feelings. Or they may be quite up front about telling us to get over it. Accept your own uniqueness. Grieve in the way that is right for you.
Be Kind to Yourself
During times of grieving we should be especially good to ourselves. That means we should take care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and doing some kind of physical exercise frequently to alleviate our stress. Don’t push yourself to do things you don’t want to do but be careful of the stress caused by avoiding doing those things. Being kind to yourself also means not anesthetizing yourself from your grief. Be careful not to use alcohol, drugs, or even food to avoid feeling your pain. If you feel overwhelmed, seek counsel from the leader of your faith community, your health care provider, or a therapist.
Express Yourself
The expression of grief can be in words, actions, or tears. Crying can be quite a relief yet many of us are afraid to cry during times of intense sadness because it feels as if we start we will never be able to stop. Don’t worry, you will eventually stop but in the meantime you will reap the benefits of a good cry. If you are like me, and do your best crying in private, be sure to find the alone time to let the tears flow. You may also gain comfort in writing what you feel. If you feel awkward in doing this, try writing your feelings in the form of a letter to a trusted friend. You don’t necessarily have to mail the letter but the writing can be the cathartic experience you need.
Surround Yourself with Love
While you may be a very private person and prefer to experience your grief alone, this is not the time to isolate yourself. Reach out to friends and family. They may need you more than you need them. When you’re with other people you will have more opportunities to laugh (a wonderful grief reliever), gain perspective, and share your pain. Share rituals with others, too. You may want to commemorate the anniversaries of loss with a time to reminisce or even a celebration of hope.
We need to honor our losses by letting ourselves grieve them. Life has many seasons of sadness. Just like spring follows winter, our sorrow is eventually followed by joy. We need both to truly make our life work.
Karen Rowinsky works with women, couples, and families in Kansas City and Overland Park who want to create the life they desire. You can learn about Karen’s marriage counseling, family counseling, and individual counseling services by going to http://www.karenrowinsky.com.
Article Source: Seasons of Sadness
Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult and profoundly life-changing experiences that a person can go through. Many people who have recently experienced the death of someone they cared for are concerned that they will never feel “right” or happy again, or that the pain they are feeling will remain a constant for the rest of their lives. This is especially true for people who have not suffered such a loss in the past, although they are not the only ones who experience these fears.
Some people living with grief find it useful to learn that their experience is typical. This does not only help them feel less alone with their feelings, but also offers hope that they will be able to survive this terrible experience. Coping with feelings of intense loss is not easy, but it is possible.
What is “Normal”?
When it comes to handling intense emotions, nearly everything is normal. Everyone handles shock and pain in his or her own way. For example, it is perfectly normal to:
Cry, or not. Some people worry that crying is a sign of weakness that could make them a “burden” on those who might worry about them. Others worry that not crying shows they are not truly missing their loved ones. Neither one is true; crying helps some but not others.
Experience unexpected “triggers.” Sometimes mourning people seem to turn a corner and begin to feel better. Then, something reminds them of their loss and they are suddenly in pain again. This is a normal experience that should lessen with time, but it may take a long time.
Feel irrational anger. It is human nature to look for someone or something to blame for our suffering. Sometimes there is no logical target for our anger, so we begin to focus on something that cannot really be to blame. As long as this anger does not interfere with your ability to function, it is perfectly normal.
Of course, the fact that the pain you are feeling is typical does not make it any easier to bear. While you wait for things to improve, be sure to take care of yourself. Do not be afraid to rely on friends and family for support, and do not forget to eat well and exercise.
When Grief Will Not Lift
It is important to note that grief can cross a line into clinical depression, at which point professional care may be needed. Anyone who is experience intense feelings of hopelessness, an inability to face daily tasks, or thoughts of suicide needs to contact a doctor right away.
Grief can be compounded when surviving loved ones know their loss could have been avoided if a third party had been more attentive or careful. To learn about legal options for families seeking justice, contact Minnesota wrongful death attorneys Terry, Slane & Ruohonen, PLLC.
Article Source: Surviving the Loss of a Loved One
Grief can be overwhelming. A death, separation of loved one, etc. can cause tremendous grief. This kind of grief refuses to get treated for a long period. People say that time is a great healer, but it is also true that the more time passes, the more time you have to grieve. Some time back I used to visit web pages set up by cancer patients. Most of them were young children who were suffering from leukemia. The parents used to write in the pages and share their agony. I recollect a father whose son died when he was very young. This man had uncontrollable grief and no amount of talk could help him. Simply believing that his child has now become a star in the sky did not help him.
Many deaths took place when I was active with those web pages. I learnt a lot during that period. The main lesson was that grief is not logical. To die is certain and we all know that but when somebody very dear to us dies, no amount of logic helps. One must shed tears to heal.
I have interacted with many persons with broken relationships on message boards. I observed that most of these people were ok for some days but went back to depression and pain soon. You could not believe that a person, who was advising others a few days back, has himself or herself broken down again. This was cyclic in many people. Again I learnt a lesson that grief and bitterness of having been left by a loved one do not go away soon. The inner mind carries all emotions that defy any logic that the outer mind proposes.
What is the remedy? I have found that another who is also grieving best understands a person who is grieving. If a grieving person talks to a healthy individual, no amount of interaction helps. But if he/she talks to someone who is also facing grief, understanding is very fast.
The author likes to write text messages and advises for internet and social networking content like twitter backgrounds and myspace graphics. He also writes quizzes on subjects like career, personality, etc.
Article Source: Grief- What Can Be Done About It?
When the relationship goes bad and you suddenly find yourself figuring how to deal with a break up, you may feel the pain will never be over. Your emotions may be running so high so that you feel you will be an emotional wreck for the rest of your life, and never get over the breakup.
Most of what you feel is complete embarrassment from being dumped. It is okay to be in this state. And the best way how to get over a breakup and move forward is to not feel so bad about yourself.
You may be feeling anger and resent for your ex, which is very normal. Let yourself express these emotions, but make sure you let out your anger in a harmless way and in the right setting.
If you want to scream and ball your eyes out then rather do it at home or at a friend’s house. Do not be silly and let your resentment out on your ex lover. So what if they hurt and made you feel vulnerable! That does not give you any right to try get back at them. Just take my break up advice – getting even will not make you feel better.
Other than hurt, you may start to blame yourself for what happened. Many “what if” and “if only” thoughts may be running through your mind as you try come to grips with the breakup. Just do not blame yourself for it.
The break up is nobody’s fault and there is nothing that you could have done to avoid it. In fact, the break up was a sign that the relationship was failing, so avoiding the break up would have simply prolonged the agony. And it would have prevented you and your ex partner from enjoying a healthier, happier relationship with someone more compatible.
Just when you have thought you have finished dealing with a break up, your ex may find a new lover. This may bring back all your feelings of anger and resentment towards them. So remember to let these feelings out but in a healthy manner.
Having feelings and being hurt is what makes us human. And everybody hurts at some stage in their lives, but it is how you deal with the hurt that matters. Embracing it and expressing our feelings will help us accept the break up and move on faster.
You will have good days and you will have bad days, remember to take each day at a time and allow yourself the time and space to come to terms with the situation. Once you have accepted the break up and the feelings you are experiencing, you will be able to move on with your life.
If you are feeling sad and resentful after your partner abandoned you, then claim a copy of our FREE E-Course on How To Deal With A Break Up, and learn how to move on with confidence and attract the perfect partner into your life.
Article Source: Moving On And Learning How To Deal With A Break Up
It was the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s passing and who knows what prompted me to write this, other than to pass on some thoughts. (Or maybe just some personal ramblings)
There’s a line in a song
‘ you left me here, to remind me of you’ and that to me is a comfort
~ as long as I am here, so will she.
and hopefully I can display those wonderful qualities she taught me by the way she was and the way she still is within me.
We don’t have to be sad, angry or alone when we remember those who have left us ~ I’m not ~ I miss her and speak to her most days and listen. Not just with my ears but with an awareness and I seem to understand.
But how can you remember in a way that makes you feel ok?
I feel I am lucky to have found NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) way back when I did. It has taught me to know I can experience memories how I want to experience them. I can remember times which before would bring on a negative emotion such as anger, sadness, guilt etc. but now they are just something that happened in my past and are void of those old feelings. Just as importantly I can re-experience the feelings of any good memory, in my mind I am there again and even better that that if I want I can magnify those good feelings and take them with me into my present-my now. In our trainings (my sons’ and mine) and my therapy work it’s great to see others find how much fun you can have learning and doing this and how it truly transforms their future.
Any way, back to that line of the song and one of the simple ways to remember that special someone.
This is what I do.
I think of a good time(s) with her and see it as if I’m looking through my own eyes.
I’m there again, seeing what I saw, hearing what I heard and I feel the good feelings I had and every good memory is the same way. I make it that way because that’s how I want it to be.
If any memory isn’t of a good time, I see it differently. I see myself in the memory, (as if it’s a movie with me in it) over there and I make it smaller and darker, I make it still and move it away from me ~ any not so good feeling just diminish
I also have noticed that a side effect of seeing, hearing and feeling those good memories is that you notice even more good things about that person. Things that you see, maybe a book they read or a photograph brings even more good feelings and sometimes a feeling of gratefulness that you had that person in your life. Now I can talk about my mother (and to her) with nothing other than love and good feelings – no tears just joy.
This is not the only way but a sure way to remember what you want, how you want to and it’s good to remember because……………..
‘ you left me here, to remind me of you’
Enjoy your every heart beat
Paul
Paul Clough is a trainer of NLP and Hypnosis, Master Practitioner of Time Line Therapy with his youngest son Joseph Clough. A practicing therapist and coach ~ Someone who talks the talk AND walks the walk. .For more information call +44(0)1223 720 120 or to see free hypnosis and NLP learning videos and audio downloads
Article Source: Grief ~ a way to remember that feels good
The movie “Gran Torino” begins, and ends, with a funeral. There is mention of the bitter and sweet aspects of death, and questions as to whether death is an end or a beginning. Some of us believe in reincarnation or at least an after-life, whilst others do not.
No matter what your beliefs are about the after-life, it is hard for those left in this world to feel happy when trying to cope with the loss of someone who you dearly love. I can still see my mother’s expression during her mother’s, my grand-mothers, funeral. I can clearly remember how strong she was, how she talked about the funeral ceremony being one of celebration as opposed to loss; celebration at a wonderful and long life, and a beautiful person. These words belied the tears held back in my mother’s eyes. She was determined not to cry that day and she didn’t, not then; she cried beforehand and afterwards but not then. It was her tribute to her mother.
I only discovered in recent years that my mother has taken sleeping pills ever since my father died. Sleepless nights are all too familiar to those who are doing their best to cope with loss. Memories, worries and fears circle around one’s mind and your emotions are turned inside-out and upside down. You turn into yourself and don’t feel that anyone can help. All you can do is take one day at a time and focus on the practicalities of day to day life. Days seem to pass in a complete blur, until eventually you realize that you have got through it; it is as if you have moved through a dark and damp tunnel and have finally reached daylight once again.
No-one really knows how we get through; hence the saying that “time heals”. Slowly we begin to focus more upon the present and slowly our emotions lift as we notice more about life than the grief associated with loss. We get more and more used to doing things alone, and more confident in our ability to move forwards. This just seems to happen as our natural instinct for survival takes over.
Can we do anything to sooth ourselves during this period of grief and loss? There are certain things which we can do. We can use hypnosis to help relax and sleep and sooth our bodies and our minds. Hypnosis is in itself a state of relaxation and so it will teach you how to relax, even when you are at your most anxious or most full of grief. You can learn to use hypnosis with the help of hypnosis downloads and train your mind to relax easily and quickly in this manner.
Hypnosis is the state between wake and sleep, and so by learning to use hypnosis you will learn how to sleep normally and naturally once more. Nobody knows how to go to sleep; it just happens. In learning hypnosis, however, you will learn to relax into a state which naturally leads to sleep. When in hypnosis your body relaxes and so does your conscious mind. Hypnosis provides a welcome break from those thoughts which would otherwise been circling around inside your mind; it’s like taking a mini-holiday, or having a mental massage. This ability to sooth your mind and change your emotional state is invaluable when you are coping with bereavement.
Coming to terms with the loss of a loved one is difficult for everyone and we all respond in our own unique way, experiencing a myriad of emotions ranging from disbelief, to anger, grief and loneliness. We have to find a way in which to rationalize it and come to terms with it and move forwards into the next stage of our own lives.
Hypnosis allows contact with your inner mind, and suggestions can be made to give you a feeling of calmness, safety and security, as well as the confidence to believe in your own ability to cope and to rebuild your life. This does not interfere with the natural grieving process; rather it helps you to cope with it better.
You can purchase hypnosis downloads designed to assist you in dealing with your emotions, and in coping as well as possible as you rebuild your life. There are also downloads available which will help you to cope on a more spiritual level; to help you to feel that your loved one is safe in the spirit world and is always there to comfort and guide you. You can decide for yourself which approach is most appropriate for you, but everyone will find that at the very least, hypnosis downloads will help you to relax, and to switch off for a short while, and also to sleep more easily.
Roseanna Leaton, specialist in hypnosis downloads for health and well-being.
With a degree in psychology and qualifications in hypnotherapy, NLP and sports psychology, Roseanna Leaton is one of the leading practitioners of self-improvement. You can get a free hypnosis download from http://www.RoseannaLeaton.com and peruse her extensive library of hypnosis downloads .
Article Source: Coping With Bereavement; Is There Anything Which Can Help?
January 15, 2009
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